7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

Becoming a teen is a stressful time for both the teenager and the parents. Teenagers have reached the point where they must take responsibility for their actions. Consequences must be paid in each decision that is made. Parents have reached the point where they must lead and teach their child what is right and explain what makes decisions wrong. This is the time to influence your offspring toward effectiveness and success.

First of all, being proactive is a good lesson to teach. Everyday a person has the choice to be proactive or reactive. Reactive people act on impulse, while proactive responses are based on values. Reactive personalities will explode once the pressure builds up. In the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens," written by Sean Covey, reactive episodes are described as shaking up a can of soda, and then opening it up. Covey urges teens to be proactive. He wants teenagers to think before they respond to a situation. He says that proactive personalities are like water shaken up. When opened, it does not fizz, bubble, or have pressure. Proactive language includes "I will" instead of "I'll try." "I can" is part of proactive language. Teens are encouraged to turn setbacks into triumphs. When my daughter tells me she can't do her homework, I tell her she can do it. She needs to take her time, and think positively.

Second, teens must begin a project with an end in mind. Covey says to create a blueprint of what you want to achieve. A teen who knows what they want will set a path for getting there. My daughter needs to take this time to think about college, friends, dating, the choice not to use drugs or alcohol, and what position she wants to take in the community. As her mother I need to urge her to make the right decisions. Children at this age are ready for child-parent talks. Don't be embarrassed, or shy about telling the truth. Include the bad choices in your conversation, and let your child know the consequences of the wrong decisions. This will hopefully prevent them from making the wrong choice. Covey records that becoming a teen is a crossroad in a child's life. He suggests that teenagers write a mission statement to follow.

The third habit is to put first things first. According to the book, roadblocks tend to get in the way, preventing people from getting places. An effective teen uses a planner to schedule events during the week. This is an OK idea, but I can't imagine my daughter being able to find this book in her messy room! If you feel the planner is good for your child, have them put in order urgent and important events. They can cross off each activity as it is completed. Time management is important, but remind your teen that schedules can be adaptable. Kids need to be comfortable, and in their "zone."

Thinking win-win is next on the list. Win-win is the idea that everybody can win. Suppose you teen needs the car one night, but you need to get groceries. By getting your food before your teen takes the car, a win-win situation has taken place. Competition and comparison are the evil twins to win-win strategies. The way they dress is the number one comparison that is stressing out teenagers. Covey warns teens not to get pulled into win-lose situations. He states that if both parties can't win, don't get involved.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. You can't respect and value others until you first respect and value yourself. It is wise to use good judgement when evaluating events. Listen to what others have to say before making an assessment. When my daughter spaces out, pretends to listen, is selective with what she wants to hear, picks out only certain words, or is self centered, she is being a poor listener. The author advises that you listen with you eyes, heart, and ears. He wants you to put yourself in the other person's shoes. In my case, I feel that my daughter is too upset with me to put on my shoes. She would rather push me out of my shoes. Hers are too small for me! I am the adult! Covey says to practice mirroring. Whatever you say, your child will repeat back in their own words. Make sure they include their feelings. Good communication leads to understanding between the parents and the teenager.

Two or more people working together to create a better situation, leads us to effective habit number six. The book called this "synergize." Don't go through life solo. There are always people around to help out. Everybody has different opinions. The world exists through diversity. The best solution may involve a mix of ideas from many people.

Finally, we conclude with sharpen the saw. Teens need time to relax. Maintaining a healthy diet, educating the brain, building an emotional personality, and increasing spirituality is essential in a well balanced teenager. Time alone will allow a teen to meditate and relieve stress.

Covey dictates in his book seven habits for an effective teen. I want my daughter to be successful and effective. I will be available to answer any questions she has, but I believe in the live and learn method. I hope learning from her mistakes, my daughter will become strong and independent in her motivations and beliefs. I don't want to give the wrong impression. I intend to teach my daughter a few of Sean Covey's ideas, but I know it will take her some time to learn and understand them. Her sassy, preteen attitude is going to be the hardest task to overcome in order to be proactive. Listening can also be a problem. At her age, if things are not her way, they are wrong. She doesn't want to hear anything, unless she wants to. All I can do is hope for my daughter to continue down the road to becoming an effective teenager.

Child Abuse

Child abuse is a horrific crime that is occurring with tremendous increase in society today. Numerous reports are being aired on T.V. news broadcasts. www.baynews9.com or
www.cnn.com Children are being snatched out of their homes, getting caught in gang cross-fire, being burned by other kids, thrown out of moving cars, and sexually or physically abused by family members.

I find it depressing when children in crisis are left in the hands of these "suspect" authority figures during investigations. Legal issues are preventing these youngsters from getting the help they need. The abusers are getting second chances to intimidate or harm these defenseless children again.

A relative called Child Protective Services about five children, ages six months to seven years old, who lived with their mother and her boyfriend. Drugs and alcohol were factors in the adults daily activities. The children were neglected, malnourished, and living in filth. Dirty diapers, old food, and bugs infested the home. The children were removed for one day, while the couple cleaned the house and got food. It angers me that the children were returned so quickly. Did the mother learn anything from the slap on her wrist?

I recently completed reading a New York Times best seller. A Child Called "It", is a true story written by a man who survived child abuse and chose to write about his horrific ordeal. Dace Pelzer's mother was an alcoholic who enjoyed playing dangerous mind games against him. Pelzer learned how to survive against her.

Dave Pelzer had two brothers. In the beginning, everything was good. Their father was a fireman, their mom stayed at home with the boys. They would take trips, and celebrate holidays together. As the boys got older, their dad's job kept him away longer. Their mother was drinking more, and punishments became harsh.

Dave writes about having his arm broken, being shoved into a mirror, and being told to burn himself. He described his childhood as a smash and dash. His mother would smash him, and he would dash to a place to hide. Dave ended up living in the basement on a cot.

When his father was home, he would sneak him food and try to ease the tension in the house. This added stress on his dad, who also drank more. Arguments were frequent between his parents. His mother always won. She dominated over Dave's father.

After years of abuse, a neighbor finally called social services. A lady came to the house for a visit. Pelzer's mom made everything seem OK. Dave was too afraid to defy her, so he said that everything was fine. The lady left the child in the abusive hands of his mother.

As the abuse continues, Pelzer began to hate his father and brothers. His dad knew what was going on, and did nothing about it. His brothers began to hit him like their mother. In the book, he says he hated himself the most. He felt that all the problems were his fault. Family and friends were alienated. Hie mom would stop speaking to her mom and brother. Dave's dad spent less time at home. His mom would call his dad bad names. His father could not take his home life anymore, so he moved out.

Pelzer's rescue from his life of abuse occurred at school. Administration finally called in help for Dave. The police informed his mother he wouldn't be coming home. He was placed into the custody of the Juvenile Department. He was free at last.

Dave Pelzer went on to have children of his own. He became an advocate against child abuse. His speeches and writings have influences many people.

In the 1970's, when Pelzer was a child, nobody knew about child abuse. It was not a topic that was discussed openly. Today, child abuse is publicly discussed. Professionals are educated on signs of abuse, and who to contact with suspected abuse. My hope is that in the future, timely reaction can prevent repeat abuse. Children should not have to wait months or even years to get the assistance they need.

Social expectations dominate a younster's existence. I invite you to check out the following website. www.ci.manhattan-beach.ca.us/Index.aspx?page=1063 This is a prime example of the expectations adults in businesses put on young children. Children must sign in and out. They must stay in assigned areas. The child must have a friend around to do anything. Adults are even limiting the amount of time in the bathroom, or even getting a drink of water. I understand that a child must have set rules, but in some instances I believe that authority figures go to far.


The social expectation of children that is my biggest pet peeve is, "Children should be seen, but not heard." Adults used to say this to me a lot as I was growing up. I felt this was insulting. I was a person, too. Children are always making noise. If you tell them to be quiet, the silence lasts less than one minute. Children have short attention spans. After a short amount of time they will start to fidget. Noise from children is inevitable.


I was at a doctor's office waiting for an appointment. In the waiting room, a mother was unsuccessfully trying to calm her crying baby. Her attempts did not fathom the distressed infant. I felt sorry for her. All around us, I could hear angry patients whispering. "I wish she would shut that kid up! Listen to that screeching!" I knew that if I could hear the disturbing whispers, that she heard them, also. She ended up leaving the room. The crying could still be heard faintly in the background. I was annoyed when people still seemed to be upset with the distant noise. Didn't they realize their groaning, mumbling, and clucking tongues were just as noisy as the crying child?


Churches also single out innocent children. Pews are set aside in the back for "parents with young children." I had to bite my tongue about this when my daughters were younger. I was told that this was so other worshipers could hear the minister. Hah! The minister wore a microphone. He could be heard outside the church, and down the block. I always felt that these were God's children, and He enjoyed hearing them. It did not matter how loud the were. My husband and I refused to sit in the last two rows. Our children were respectful to the people around them, and played quietly. If they got too energetic, we would take them outside.


Fast food restaurants have the right idea. They are building playgrounds for kids to run off their extra energy. It is also a great way to socialize with others. As a mother, I wish family orientated sit down restaurants would build a play area. Kids could be playing instead of sitting quietly and respectfully.


Those who say "Children should be seen, but not heard," must not have children. If they do, they are probably impatient and harsh with their offspring. I say, let the kids be heard. They have an assortment of ideas to talk about, and an abundance of ways to express themselves. It may be important, nonessential, or funny. May no child ever feel left out.

Truth or Dare... Trivial or Important?

Your children have come to you about painting the walls in their bedroom. No big deal, you think. Wrong! I dare you to go to The Home Depot, Lowes, or any other store that sells paint, and tell me what you see. Stop! I'll save you the time!



The walls are full of paint samples. There are thousands of colors. There are the basic colors of red, yellow, blue, green, orange, and purple. Under the basic colors are the numerous other shades. Each one varies slightly from the others around it.



You still think it is no big deal. You will just pick a color that you like. Just as you are picking the color that you want, your children tell you that they want another color. What do you do now? You don't want them upset and crying in the store if they don't get their choice. You need to ask yourself if their choice is a good one.



The truth is that each color has a meaning for different personality types. Different colors represent different traits. You need to decide if you dare to make the wrong choice. The right color could determine your children's future. (Good or bad.)



This is the point were I tell you to go to http://www.lifescript.com/Soul/Self/Growth and look at their personality website. It gives you information about the colors. I also read a book called "Colorful Personalities" by George J. Boelcke. Four basic colors were discussed in the chapters. Gold, blue, orange, and green were interpreted in detail. The words flowed and I was able to gather a colorful assortment of information.

Gold represents leadership. People who have gold as their color are self-motivated, and take charge of situations. They are structured, with a lot of attention to detail. If you are a gold, you make lists, and stick to them. Gold leads to confidence and strong will. Loyalty is a strong asset. Another advantage is the strength to save money.

On the downside, there are some reasons not to chose gold as a color for your children's room. One characteristic of gold is impatience. A gold feels that there is never enough time to get things done. Therefore, golds are always rushing around in circles. They hate interuptions and deviation from routines. Golds like to be in control. I would say golds are stubbron.

Blue is a soothing color. The books says blues are romantic, loving individuals. They like to give hugs and kisses. This leads to blues being emotional. A blue is quick to laugh...or cry. Vocally quiet, a blue personality can be sensitve to others. People who want a good listener should go to a blue. They are patient and trustworthy with secrets. This is the color you want in a devoted friend. They are forgiving, and quickly make peace. Blue characteristics are also creative and spiritual.

Once again, there is a bad side to blues. They won't confront others. Sometimes, you need to stand up to others, so they won't take advantage of you. Blues need to learn to say "no". They feel the weight of the world is on their shoulders. This causes added stress and deadlines. Blues are often said to be putting square pegs in round holes.

Orange personalities are fast paced and spontaneous. Impulse leads them into taking risks. Boredom is not a word in an orange individuals life. If you want somebody with no worries, this is the route to go. Orange people are your sociallites. They are fun and outgoing. You could call them "partyanimals." Flexibility in schedules is a must. The skills of this color lead to creativity and winners.

On the contrary, this might mean that your children will get bored quickly. You will not be able to get them to sit still. This personality doesn't like rules. They tend to be the "troublemaking" personality. Rather than studying, this group would prefer to party. Even more trouble will ensue. Losing is an unwanted event in this color.

Greens are your problem solvers. They are independant and don't rely on anybody. Greens are self confident, innovated people. Ease at learning causes these personalities to be excellent teachers. By using locic, individuals get right to the point.

Now to the flip side of greens. The need to be alone could be a problem. Greens could rapidly become antisocial. Noise aggrivates this type. Things that don't make sense, stress out a green individual. A green does not want to forget anything.

Let's go back to the store. You like one color, and your children like another. What do you decide? In truth, you need to choose between leadership, love, spontanaity, or independance. This is a hard choice. Do you dare pick one over another?